If your husband is a gamer and you are not, you may be feeling a bit neglected. It’s actually somewhat common to hear how video games ruin relationships. You both work throughout the day and when you are looking for some quality time, your husband just disappears to play games.
Too often I see women asking other women for advice on this topic and let me tell you most of the advice is actually appalling. Between the women saying to tell the husband to “stop playing games and grow up,” to the women advising others to hide the chargers for the remotes. It’s all just bad advice.
Full disclosure, I may be a bit biased because I myself enjoy gaming, but there is a much bigger problem here than just your husband likes gaming. In order to discover what the real problem is here you must stop to think about where the actual problem lies.
Do Video Games Ruin Relationships?
You may not understand gaming and that is ok. However, before you go telling your husband that he is childish think about what gaming is for your husband.
Gaming is a hobby, just like crocheting, baking, or creating art. Hobbies are an excellent way to relieve stress from the day and forget about responsibilities. When life is filled with all sorts of responsibilities, hobbies help you break free from the stress of accomplishing your responsibilities for the day.
Think of your own hobbies. What do you like to do for fun? How do you relax, recharge, and unwind from all of your responsibilities? Do you?
If you don’t unwind from the day at all is it possible that you really just feel the need to enjoy something as well. Find yourself a hobby you enjoy doing to see if that helps with this problem you are having with your spouse.
The Problem Is Not Gaming
You may not want to hear this but the reality of the situation is simple. Gaming is not the problem you are dealing with. The real problem is you are not getting what you need from the relationship and it’s easy to blame the gaming.
Face it, replace gaming with working out every night for hours and you would still have the same complaint. The real problem is you don’t feel like you are getting enough attention from your husband.
It’s ok. It doesn’t make you selfish. It’s recognizing your specific needs. There is not a damn reason for you to feel like you are wrong. Just don’t take out your frustration on the wrong thing and end up sending the wrong message to your spouse.
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Figuring Out The Problem
If you have ever read “The 5 Love Languages” then you will understand this entire section pretty clearly. First, you need to identify your love language.
Most women who have a problem with their husband gaming have one of these three love languages. Acts of Service, Physical Touch, or Quality Time.
Acts of Service
For people who have an acts of service love language they feel loved when something is done for them without anything being asked. He takes out the trash, does the dishes, or does something for you so you don’t have to and without you asking him to do it.
Gaming interferes with this love language because they get consumed with the game and stop performing small little tasks to make your day easier and make you feel loved.
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The physical touch love language means you feel love when someone hugs you, kisses you, or is physically intimate with you. Not just sex but cuddling, running fingers through hair, ect. Anything that involves your husband touching you.
Gaming interferes with this love language because your husband is actively using both of his hands to game. If his hands are busy with a remote they aren’t on you.
For many women the act of sitting and talking with their significant other and having their undivided attention means love. This means everything from watching a movie, dreaming about the future, or just talking about your day.
Gaming usually interferes because your spouse is not giving their undivided attention to you while playing. This can be incredibly frustrating but easily fixable.
Understanding The Problem
Once you understand that your specific love language is not being met you can understand what it is you need. Then you can communicate that with your spouse. Read on because you will want to see my top tips for discussing the problem with your spouse.
Ways To Discuss The Problem With Your Spouse
Do not tell your husband he needs to grow up. Do not take away charging cables. Do not give him ultimatums. Do not try to set gaming schedules.
Your husband is a grown man and chances are pretty high that he doesn’t even realize there is a problem. He may notice you being a bit perturbed but unless the problem is explained to him he is not going to know or try to fix it. Why? Because he doesn’t know the problem exists.
So you need to figure out a way to discuss this problem with your husband without treating him like a child. He is not a child therefore don’t treat him like one. I am giving you different ways to approach the problem with your husband according to your love language.
For Acts Of Service
First understand this, your husband may feel as though he is already completing this in his work day. You will need to help your husband understand that while you appreciate his hard work the work he does helps the whole family.
Explain to your husband that acts of service make you feel loved. When he takes on one of your daily chores or does something for you to make your life easier you feel loved.
When you explain what he can do to make you feel more loved ask him to set time aside to surprise you with a completed task. Then ask him if there is anything you can do to show him how much you love him.
For Physical Touch
When explaining to your husband your need to feel desired and adored physically make sure you are explaining what specific actions you like. You enjoy big romantic surprise kisses in the kitchen. Maybe the big hugs where he holds you for a minute or two. Finally, maybe it’s cuddling on the couch together.
Most men do not have an issue with the physical touch love language and if communicated to him he will most likely step up his game. Again, you want to make sure you ask him if there is anything you can do for him to show him your love for him.
For Quality Time
Ask your husband to spend more time with you. Ask him to set aside time after the kids go to bed or during dinner to sit and talk to you. Most of the time if you explain to him how you need more quality time with him they will listen to that.
Explain you don’t need hours of quality time every night just a couple of hours every week where he gives you undivided attention. Once again you want to make sure you ask your husband what you can do to show him your love for him.
The Key Point
As you have probably noticed in none of these scenarios do I say to attack his gaming hobby. In fact, I don’t even tell you to mention it. There is a good reason for this.
If you were to blame his enjoyment for gaming you may be inadvertently leading him to believe that you don’t want him enjoying himself or his free time. How would you feel if he told you to leave Facebook, quit crocheting, or stop watching Grey’s Anatomy?
Essentially gaming is his guilty pleasure. It’s what he enjoys doing for fun to unwind from the day. It’s important that you communicate your needs without attacking his joy of something.
Something To Consider
My husband and I are both gamers and about once a week or so we sit down and game together for the fun of it. You should consider asking him to teach you how to play and getting into gaming yourself.
It’s something you can enjoy doing together from time to time. For those of you with the quality time love language playing games together can help you reach your love quota.
Additionally, taking an interest in the same hobbies as your spouse can help you both feel closer to each other. That bonding time helps to bring on feelings of closeness and appreciation for one another.
It’s not really the hobby you are mad about. It’s the lack of attention your specific love language is getting from your husband. If you approach your husband or significant other with the actual reason for your anger he is more likely to listen.
If you don’t mention the hobby and just your love language, chances are high your husband will listen and respond how you need. Guess what, that gaming time will most likely get cut down so he can show you he loves you. It’s always the hobbies that get pushed aside to make more time for the things we love.
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